


Mystery Lars Theater 3000

by BarracudaHeart, CoreyWW



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anger, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Commentary, Dramedy, Enemies, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, MST3K References, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing, Outer Space, Some Plot, Space Pirates, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-16 07:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14159592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/pseuds/BarracudaHeart, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: After some space shenanigans, Emerald kidnaps Lars and forces him to view "alternate realities" (read: other SU fanfics) as a convoluted, nonsensical punishment that is in no way an Excuse Plot to just do MSTs of other SU fanfics.CURRENTLY RIFFING:Faded Blue by SwordtheGuy, Airamcg, and CompletelyDifferent(in-progress)(Accepting requests for one-shots or very short series in between Faded Blue riff updates. All riffs done with original authors permission.)





	1. Faded Blue Ch. 1 Riff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Swordaperson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordaperson/gifts), [CompletelyDifferent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/gifts), [airamcg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Faded Blue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10742679) by [airamcg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/pseuds/airamcg), [CompletelyDifferent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/pseuds/CompletelyDifferent), [Swordaperson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordaperson/pseuds/Swordaperson). 



> So this is what I did for the Cluster's April Fools event, but I really enjoyed it so I'm gonna be making this a thing since I enjoyed reading MST fics back in the day.
> 
> A few disclaimers: first of all, every riff you see is going to be done with permission from the original author. 
> 
> Second, this is meant to be an affectionate parody. None of these riffs are meant to be regarding the original fics as "bad", it's just for funsies. Links will be included to the original fic so you can read them unriffed as well.
> 
>  **A word on requests:** Faded Blue is the current "long-fic" that will be riffed. I won't be doing another long one until we're caught up on that. HOWEVER, for variety I am thinking of doing one-shots and very short series in between Faded Blue updates (when I say very short, I mean like a couple chapters at most, enough to get done in a single update of this). If you'd be interested in having me riff a fic you've done that meets that criteria, include a request in the comments. I can't guarantee I'll do it, but I'll look into it to see if I can work with it.
> 
> (You CAN request fics you haven't done in the comments, but there's slightly less of a chance I'll be able to do it since I'll have to reach out to the original author first before doing so, so that might complicate things, but I'll still try if it's a good request.)
> 
> The only additional request I have for ... requests is **I don't do NSFW fics and I don't do fics that ship adults with minors**. So please do not request those. Beyond that, let me know what you'd like to see in the comments.
> 
> Big thanks to BarracudaHeart for helping with the editing and punching up a lot of the jokes!

“Hello there,” Lars said into the glowing red camera in front of him. “I’m Captain Lars and welcome to ... me waking up in a room with no memory of how I got there.”

Lars looked around the room, which was a featureless aside from the green tint. Lars was alone, except for the Homeworld camera in front of him. It glowed red only moments before. Lars simply assumed he was captured and decided to just start talking to the camera. Might as well put on a show.

“Whoever is watching, I want you to know whoever put me here really needs an interior decorator,” Lars said, gesturing to the room. “Very boring, like most things on Homeworld.”

In response, a voice appeared from the wall.

“ _It is not boring, you uncultured pebble!_ ”

Lars smiled. He recognized that voice.

“Ahhhh, alright, now it’s all coming together ...” Lars said. “Where are you, Emerald?”

A moment later, there was a poof of green smoke as Emerald appeared in the room, the Gem in her eye glinting in the red light from the camera. She grinned, showing her fangs.

“Now then, Captain Lars, allow me to explain your present situation. You see--”

Without a second thought, Lars swung his fist at Emerald’s face, who disappeared with a loud poof of green smoke.

A moment later, however, Emerald appeared again in the same space, her eye narrowing.

“Please don’t do that,” she grumbled.

Lars shrugged.

“Fair enough,” he said.

“As I was saying--”

Immediately, Lars swung at her again, which again caused her to disappear. A moment later, she reappeared, her single normal eye glaring and her fist clenched.

“STOP THAT, YOU ARROGANT FOOL!” she shouted. “HAVE YOU ANY CONCEPT OF THE SITUATION YOU’RE IN?!”

Lars simply chuckled.

“Alright alright, you’re right. I won’t do it again,” he said. He pulled his fist back. “But stand still, I’m gonna do it again.”

Emerald’s eye twitched. Before Lars could swing, there was a loud poof as another Emerald appeared behind him and pushed him to the ground. The new Emerald disappeared with a poof, while the original Emerald gave a wry smile and stuck her tongue out.

Lars gasped from the floor.

“You pushed me,” he said sarcastically. “I’m gonna tell my mom on you.”

“Shut up,” Emerald said. She stood with her hand on her hip, a fiendish grin on her face. “I want to take in the sight of you grovelling at my feet, after all the suffering you’ve caused me.”

Lars stifled a laugh.

“That’s what turns you on, huh? You know, I _might_ have guessed that, you totally seem like the type--”

“ _SILENCE_!” Emerald screamed, raising her fist. She grumbled before she took a deep breath, then exhaled. “Well ... I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I’ve already won anyway.”

“Heh, really?” Lars said. “Gotta admit my memory is a little shakey, buuuut the last thing I remember is me blowing up your outpost.”

Emerald grumbled.

“That was a dirty trick and you should be ashamed! _We both nearly died_!” Emerald shouted.

 _Ahhh, that’s right,_ Lars thought, the fog in his mind clearing a bit. He had infiltrated one of Emerald’s outpost with intention of crippling Emerald’s resources even further. It was an impressive plan if he thought so himself. He had the Rutiles set the explosive while he distracted Emerald by intentionally getting captured.

He made it look like his ship hadn’t responded to his SOS by making sure Padparadscha was on comms, knowing full well it would take her roughly five minutes to respond to _any_ message. Long enough to provide the distraction, set the bomb, and then perform a daring escape ...

 _Exxxxxcept_ it turned out Emerald was more determined to keep him from escaping than he thought. They ended up in a fight and both were still in the outpost when the bomb went off. There was a loud explosion and then ...

... and then Lars woke up in this room.

Emerald must have guessed what Lars was thinking because she (or whatever hologram she was using to appear there) nodded.

“I see you remember now,” Emerald said. “Destroying my beautiful outpost the way you did... Yet another insult you Off-Colors have hurled at me!”

“That outpost was made of shit and so are you!” Lars said, grinning. “I’m not exactly sure where we are now, but it’s only a matter of time before my crew saves me.”

Emerald laughed, showing her fangs.

“I’m afraid not this time,” Emerald said. “You see, thanks to the Warp Network, you’re many lightyears from the outpost. And without any trackers on your person, I doubt your crew will be able to find you. You’re far from them.” She beamed. “You’re even far from ME at this point. I’ve secured you in a remote location to begin the unique torture I’ve picked for you. Why else do you think I’ve broadcasted to you via this hologram room?”

“Probably cause you’re afraid I’ll win if we fight in person again.”

Emerald’s eye twitched, followed by a laugh. “Joke while you can, Captain Lars, because when this is over, you’ll be--”

“If you’re gonna say dead, that’s not much of a threat. Already dead.”

Emerald just laughed harder.

“No, but when you’re done, you’ll wish you _were_ ,” Emerald said. “You see ... this hologram room had a unique function before I acquired it. Are you humans familiar with multiverse theory?”

“No, explain it.”

“Well--”

Lars rolled his head back and started snoring. He snorted then pretended to wake up.

“Oh sorry,” Lars grunted. “Sorry, my bad. It’s just that I don’t really give a shit. No offense.”

If Emerald had veins in her forehead, Lars was pretty sure they would have all popped by now. She stared daggers at him.

“To make a long story short ...” she said, seething with anger, “this hologram room is used to view alternate realities. Very useful strategic tool, especially since Sapphires have gotten so rare. A useful way of seeing common mistakes in other realities and avoiding them. However, it fell out of fashion, since so many Gems whose job it was to report on them slowly went insane.”

“Cool story bro, is there a point in there?”

Emerald grinned.

“I am going to barrage your senses with these alternate universes and gleefully monitor your mind as it slowly wastes away,” she said. “Not only that, but this camera even broadcast it to my subordinates across this star system, so as many Gems as possible can see how far you’ll fall and--”

Lars rolled his eyes. “This is just Mystery Science Theater, isn’t it?”

“... pardon?” Emerald said confused.

“Yeah, this is ... this is exactly just Mystery Science Theater. You’re gonna show me a bunch of crazy stuff and monitor my mind and ... and that’s it. That’s what this is. You just stole this idea from Earth.”

“What? No I didn’t!” Emerald said, incredulous.

“Yes you did!”

“No I didn’t! I know nothing of your culture.”

“Then you’re just unoriginal.”

“I AM NO--” Emerald ground her teeth together. “It doesn’t matter! Your tricks won’t work on me!” Emerald gestured towards the room. “In fact, I’ve prepared a special treat for your introduction to my little torture.” She grinned. “You’ll loooove this one. It features your short little human friend quite prominently.”

Lars’s grin faded.

“Steven?”

Emerald laughed.

“Yes, but he’s hardly the same one you know. His parentage is quite different. Instead of being half Rose Quartz, see what happens when he’s half Blue Diamond.”

“What?!”

“AHAHAHA! Succumbed to madness yet?”

“Uh ... no. That’s just weird and I’m not sure how to feel about it.”

“Well you’re about to ... um ... not know how you feel ... but more so ... soon!”

“... what?”

“ _Shut up_! Tremble in fear at World 359: FADED BLUE!” The room started to shift and soon the world went black.

* * *

* * *

**[FADED BLUE: CHAPTER ONE by airamcg, CompletelyDifferent, and SwordtheGuy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10742679/chapters/23813493) **

... um ... so if these are alternate universes, why does this “universe” have a byline. Or chapters. Or a hyperlink where people can read the exact same thing I’m apparently “seeing” right now.

... no answer? This is just the premise we’re going with? Alright well ... like I said earlier this is like Mystery Science Theater so ... guess I’m doing this now ...

**“My Steven?”**

**…**

**…**

**“My Steven? You need to get up.”**

Wake up, Crono! Leene’s bell makes such beautiful music ...

**Steven stirred in his bed. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw Pearl leaning over him, her eyes peaking just past her blue bangs. She smiled softly at him. “Good evening, my Steven.”**

**“Evening, Pearl,” Steven smiled sleepily as he stretched, shaking the remnants of sleep off of him. He sat up and Pearl stood up, giving him his space.**

**“You need to get ready quickly, my Steven,” Pearl said. “The person at the motel office has already come by once to try and force us to leave.”**

**Steven threw the covers off of him as he hopped off the bed, straightening his sleep shirt. “Why didn’t you wake me? We could have left before now.”**

**“You still needed more sleep. Your growing human body requires eight hours of sleep.”**

Couple of things here. First of all ... evening? He slept till like five. Get out of bed, lazy ass. Now, I know some of you watching maybe be like “Lars, you’ve slept till five, six, seven at night before.” And in my defense ... f*** you.

Second of all, the reason Blue Pearl didn’t wake him is because he needed a full eight hours. So if this is like five or something, that means he didn’t fall asleep till like nine in the morning. What was he doing that whole time?!  You can’t just let Fake Steven stay up all night like a partying college student! He’s just a kid. His little like ... hyperactive baby-body can’t handle that.

Real Steven is always in bed by 10, because he’s responsible like that. He has to get up early, usually to do things like annoy _me_.

**Steven rubbed his eyes. After the day they had, he couldn’t really argue that he appreciated the sleep. Still, Pearl’s tendency to disregard other people had gotten them in trouble before.**

Yes, how dare she disregard your feelings by trying to make sure you get enough sleep. WHERE’S THE JUSTICE?!

**“I've already laid out your clothes in the bathroom, my Steven,” Pearl said. “Hurry and dress so we may be off.”**

**“Okay, but are you going wear your dress?” Steven asked.**

**Pearl pursed her lips. “I’m not sure, my Steven. I don’t really like the feeling of clothes…”**

**“Pleeease, Pearl?” Steven pleaded, clasping his hands together and putting on his sweetest possible face. “Dad and I picked that dress out especially for you. And you look so pretty in it!”**

**Pearl sighed before smiling again. “Very well, my Steven. For you.”**

**Steven cheered, “Yes!”**

“Yes Pearl, you shouldn’t disregard other people’s feelings. NOW PUT ON THE DRESS AND THE SILLY HAT FOR MY AMUSEMENT!”

**“But _you_ need to get dressed as well.”**

**“Right. I am, Pearl.” Steven quickly trotted off to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.**

**First thing first, he got onto the toilet and relieved his near-full bladder.**

Please tell me he lifted the seat up...

**That done, he began undressing, folding his sleep clothes and putting them into his cheeseburger backpack, which hung on a hook on the back to the door.**

Of all the things constant across all universes, I’m not at all surprised one of them is Steven liking stuff like Wacky Sacks.

**After, he took the clothes Pearl had laid by the sink, a pair of jeans, a simple black shirt emblazoned with a bright yellow star, and his dark blue hoodie. Steven dressed, then grabbed a pair of socks out of his backpack and put them on, followed by his sturdy pair of walking shoes.**

**“One last thing,” Steven said to himself as he walked over to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He smiled at his reflection, who smiled back, and pulled down the neck of his shirt, revealing his blue, diamond shaped gem. He breathed onto the sleeve of his jacket and rubbed it, giving it a slight sheen.**

“Alright, my bling is looking great!”

Seriously though, the idea of Steven as that Blue Diamond lady is actually super horrifying and I’m trying hard not to think about the implications of that.

And also the logistics of how that actually happened since Blue Diamond is basically like Titan-sized and Steven’s dad is like 5’6”.

Ha, I bet no one who’s seen this reality has ever made that joke before! I’m so original.

**“My Steven? Are you ready?”**

**“Yeah, I’m ready, Pearl.” Steven straightened his shirt and exited the bathroom. He grinned broadly at Pearl, delighted that she was wearing the faded blue sundress--**

HA IT’S THE TITLE, THEY SAID THE THING!

... sorry.

**\--that Steven and his dad had gotten her. “See? You look great.”**

**Pearl smiled and nodded, “If you say so, my Steven. Let’s get going.” She opened the motel room’s door and Steven walked out. “If your pack gets too heavy for you, let me know and I can carry it.”**

**“Alright, Pearl. But I think I got it.”**

“Actually, I changed my mind, you can hold it for a bit. My lead brick collection is getting heavy. Thanks a bunch, Pearl!”

**Pearl closed the door behind them. The sun was already hanging low in the sky. They’d have to hurry if they wanted to make it to the last bus to town for the night. Sparing only a glance at the window into the front office (with the person on the other side sparing a long look back),**

“Hey, let’s talk about the late check-out fee you’ve accrued considering you were supposed to leave the motel about ten hours ag-- no, you’re just gonna walk off, really? Alright ...”

**Pearl put a hand on Steven’s back and led him towards the sidewalk and bus stop.**

**The sun had gone all the way down by the time they reached town. Pearl and Steven walked through the deserted streets, thankfully not running into anyone. Pearl did her best to keep her gaze leveled at the carwash ahead of them, rather than on the giant cliffside, on which the other side she tried her best _not_ to think about.**

You may think she means the Temple, but really she’s just thinking about the crack den next door to it.

**The carwash was dark, but the beat up van out front was not. Its back doors were open and Pearl could see the bulky silhouette of a human sitting in the back.**

**“Dad!” Steven exclaimed as he burst into a run towards the van.**

“Oh thank God, dad, this stranger lady had me kidnapped!”

**“Steven-” Pearl called after him, but he was already gone. She sped up after him.**

**Greg was indeed sitting in the back of the van, strumming on his guitar and waving at them as they approached.**

**“Hey, Shtoo-b-” Greg was cut off as Steven lept at him, knocking him onto his back and securing him tightly in a hug.**

**“Hey, Dad!” Steven greeted, squeezing a little tighter.**

**“Oof! Easy there, Steven,” Greg coughed and laughed at the same time. “You don’t want to break anything.”**

“That’s how your mom died.”

**“Oh! I’m sorry, Dad.” Steven climbed off his father and sat down next to him. Greg carefully got back up, setting his guitar aside. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Steven asked.**

**“Nah, you’re fine,” Greg said. “To be honest, I appreciate the enthusiasm. Not looking forward to when you’re less excited to see your old man.”**

**“That’ll never happen, Dad,” Steven said. “It’s always great seeing you.”**

**Greg chuckled and tousled Steven’s hair. “ _Hehe_ , well that’s reassuring.” **

Time to ruin this heartwarming moment by reminding everyone watching this tape that in the universe, Steven’s dad banged a former dictator.

You’re welcome!

**By now Pearl had joined them. Greg waved a greeting at her, “Hey, Pearl.”**

**“Hello, Greg.” Pearl bowed slightly at him. “It’s good to see you again.”**

**“Yeah, same.” He clapped his hands together. “So. How have you two been doing?”**

**“Great!” Steven answered. “Pearl’s teaching me all about different places in the world! Like last week we learned about China!”**

**“Oh, that sounds interesting.”**

I actually bet it is. Unfortunately, I never did well in school due to not giving a crap most of my life, so all I know about China is what I learned from Dynasty Warriors. Which I assume is an accurate documentary.

**“Yeah! And yesterday, Pearl and I went down to the town at the bottom of the mountain. They were having some sort of fair and I tried this food called- um, what was it called?”**

Mountain oysters.

**“Hweori Gamja, my Steven,” Pearl replied.**

Oh.

**“It was really good,” Steven said. “It was like a potato chip, only thicker and it was lots of them on a stick.”**

“And there were no razor blades in it!”

**“Man, that does sound good,” Greg said. “I really need to get back there. For the food, if nothing else.”**

**“Then we can spend all day together!” Steven said. “I can show you around town! And all my favorite places on the mountain.”**

“Like where we found that body!”

**“We’re definitely going to do that, Steven,” Greg said, putting an arm around Steven’s shoulder. “Just, once the time's right.”**

**“ _Ahh_ ,” Steven moaned. “The time’s _never_ right.”**

**Greg glanced up at Pearl, though it was hard to tell if she was looking back through her long bangs.**

Apparently being able to see through all that hair is a super power, because she doesn’t spend nearly as much time bumping into things as I would expect.

**“It will be soon, Shtoo-ball.”**

**“Promise?”**

**“Yeah. I promise.”**

**Steven sighed. “Okay, Dad. Here.” He swung his backpack around to his front. “Let me show you some of my new drawings. Oh, and this one part in the geography text book Pearl’s been using.” He was digging through his backpack, pulling out books, folders, loose papers, and even a board game.**

“Oh, my favorite, ‘The Game of Dysfunctional Childhoods.’”

**“I’m sorry, Greg. I asked him to pack more conservatively,” Pearl explained as she grabbed several sheets of paper that were in danger of blowing away in the breeze.**

**“It’s alright,” Greg said as he did his part to move the contents of Steven’s backpack further into the van and thus safe from the wind. “I’m just grateful for the visits.” He smiled softly down at his son.**

“I’d be even more grateful though if I didn’t have to send you that damn check every month.”

**“Okay,” Steven said as he flipped through the text book, looking for just the right page. “So, first thing’s first…”**

“Here’s how we kill Superman ...”

* * *

 

**Steven stopped only when his own body did.**

... okay, that’s legitimately like the real Steven.

**He had fallen asleep, resting his head in Greg’s lap, who rested a gentle hand on the child’s head.**

**Pearl had busied herself for a while packing the contents of Steven’s backpack up and securing said pack on her shoulders.**

“Pearl, why did Steven pack all those lead bricks?”

“It’s just what he’s into now, I suppose. He’s like his mother. She loved things with a lot of mass that served no functional purpose.”

“Yeah and ... heeeeeeyyyy :(”

**After a bit of silence, Greg asked, “So, have things been quiet on your end?”**

**“Yes,” Pearl nodded. “We’ve had no trouble. And as far as I can tell, the nearest warp pads haven’t been used by anyone but us.”**

**Greg sighed and sagged with relief. “Well, that’s good.”**

**“And… have you…?” Pearl trailed off.**

**Greg sighed again, this one heavier and much more weary. “Not really. Though, when I’m talking to Rose, it’s sometimes hard to tell what’s useful and what’s not.**

WELCOME TO REAL STEVEN’S CONSTANT PROBLEM!

**“I try to ask questions, but I don’t want to seem suspicious. Plus, it’s especially hard when I have the _other_ Pearl drilling holes in the back of my head.”**

“Literally. That’s where the hair went.”

**“Yes. I imagine not.” Pearl tipped her head in Greg’s direction, expression unreadable. “I thank you for your help, Greg.” She grabbed on of the straps of the backpack and squeezed it. “Were she still around, I’m sure my Diamond would be grateful as well.”**

**“Yeah. She would,” Greg said wistfully. He closed his eyes, leaning back, though not enough to disturb Steven. “I miss her, Pearl. I…” He sighed. “I wish she were here now.”**

**“I do as well,” Pearl replied. “But we have her request. And Steven.” She looked down at the young boy, still asleep in his father’s lap, a thin trail of drool trailing from his mouth. Pearl resisted the urge to wipe it off. She’d need to wake Steven soon so they could go. The sunrise would be here soon.**

Aww ... such a .. vulnerable and sweet moment.

Just another reminder: Former dictator. Steven’s dad. Banging away.

If you think I’m being too hard on Blue Diamond, just a history lesson, I got kidnapped by a couple Gems who work for her once and taken to a planet where I literally _died_ , so she’s not exactly on my Friends list.

**As if in response to Pearl’s wonderings, Steven stirred and yawned, stretching as he sleepily sat up.**

**“Good morning, my Steven,” Pearl said.**

**“Morning, Pearl. Mornin’, Dad.”**

**“Morning, Steven. You have a good nap?”**

“Oh, you bet! That nyquil cocktail really hit the spot!”

**He nodded, before turning to Pearl. “I guess we need to leave now?”**

**“I believe so. It will be dawn soon. And we best not linger here during the day.”**

**“Right,” Steven sighed. “Okay.”**

“Yeah we should totally be in a hurry _now_ , rather than earlier when we were inconveniencing that motel by not checking out on time!”

Fake Steven’s a bit selfish.

**He hugged his father. “Bye, Dad. We’ll see you later.”**

**“Yep. I’ll see you too,” Greg said, returning the hug. “Stay safe, be good for Pearl, keep up with your studies, three square meals a day, all that good stuff.”**

“Take your pills.”

**Steven hopped down from the van. “Okay, Dad. I will.” He grabbed Pearl’s hand as the two started to walk off. He turned and waved, “I’ll see you soon, Dad. I promise!”**

**Greg smiled and waved back. “Yeah,” he said, probably too quiet for Steven to hear.**

**“I promise too, Steven.”**

Aww ... he loves his ambiguously evil son.

Actually I’m not really sure of the morality in this universe yet. Because Fake Steven is a Diamond which ... as someone who is a fugitive from Homeworld, I’m inclined to say arrrrre bad. But the premise of this reality seems to suggest she turned from Homeworld in ... some way, it’s unclear. It’s further complicated by Steven still sorta being Steven ... except when he shows shades of selfishness Steven wouldn’t have. My opinion of him kinda changes from moment to moment.

Anyway, we’ve had a lot of setup, I think the next scene might get us off to the races a little bit as far as the goings on in this universe.

* * *

 

**The bus ride back to the warp pad was… boring.**

Orrrr not.

**Bus rides pretty much always were. Nothing but sitting there, sitting, sitting, for _hours_. There wasn’t a lot of talking, because Pearl wasn’t very talkative in general, especially when around others. And she didn’t like him talking to strangers, especially this close to Beach City.**

Okay, Pearl is making up for previously lost parenting points during that hotel situation by making it clear Steven can’t talk to strangers.

**He couldn’t read, because reading on buses made him feel sick, and he couldn’t draw for the same reasons.**

Aha! The Diamonds’ ultimate weakness ...

Motion sickness.

Gonna file that away in the ol’ noggin, that’ll come in handy.

“Any last request, pirate?”  
  
“Yes, ma’am, if you could just come with me on some of the spinning rides at this amusement park.”

Then I slip away. It’s bulletproof.

**Normally he could listen to music, except that he hadn’t charged his phone properly last night, and now there was only thirty percent battery left, and he was supposed to save it for emergencies.**

If this were real Steven, he’d make up his own song to sing and somehow get the entire bus to join in ...

... I am not missing him, shut up. I can feel you all judging me. Mind is just wandering. Waiting for some new information to drop.

**For a while, Steven let himself zone out to try and have Visions--**

WELL, THAT DIDN’T TAKE LONG. Visions?

**\-- but those were no good either. All he got was images of different people sitting on the same bus, just as silent and just as bored as the people in the present.**

He can see into the past?! Um ... okay! I guess considering what Steven told me about what happened on the Jungle Moon this isn’t too far out there, but this guy seems to have control of it.

That’s ... a little concerning. But I guess that’s not a big deal. That’s just one sorta creepy power, that’s not so bad. That doesn’t mean anything ...

... I say that and I’m already not believing myself...

**He sighed, and tried to think up synonyms for boring, because Pearl was probably going to give him a vocabulary test by the end of the week. Dull. Tedious. Monogamous. No, wait, that was something else.**

Well I mean, there are some who would argue monogamous is a synonym for dull, hehehe ...

...

Sadie, if you ever see this tape, that was a joke!

**Monotonous. Lame. Banal. Insipid.**

**Heh. _Insipid_ was a funny word.**

STOP THINKING THINGS REAL STEVEN WOULD SAY UNTIL I’VE DECIDED IF YOUR EVIL OR NOT, I’m not sure how to feel yet!

**He tried figuring out synonyms for other words too— first ‘funny’, then ‘scary’, then ‘purple’, just to try something different. He got tired of that, so he made up other games: counting the number of rivets and screws he could see, tracing the pattern of the seat cushion in front of him, noticing all the license plates on the cars that drove past, and revising the map of American states in his head…**

REMEMBERING STATE CAPITALS, OH SHIT, CAN’T HANDLE THIS HIGH OCTANE THRILL RIDE.

**It wasn’t super entertaining, but it did help the hour and a half ride pass quicker.**

**They got off at a bus station in the middle of the countryside. They stopped for a while at a diner, and Pearl let him eat anything he wanted--**

Alright Fake Steven, we’ll settle this now. Gonna judge your morality by whatever you order. D&D Alignment chart style. Proceed ...

**\--so Steven got the biggest veggie burger they had--**

Lawful Hippie.

**\--with a big side of fries--**

True Neutral.

**\--and coleslaw--**

Coleslaw? _You’re like twelve,_ no kid likes coleslaw! You ordered that when you could have gotten like corn or something, so I’m marking that as Neutral Evil.

**\--and a yummy chocolate shake, and pumpkin pie for dessert! And Pearl even had a bite too!**

Lawful Good. So let me do some quick calculations ... hm ... carry the two ... annnnd that totals up to ... me not having any clear idea how morality in D&D ACTUALLY works because I’ve never played it.

... cleared up a lot, I think.

**Steven helped her figure out the tip, while she complained under her breath about what a ridiculous system this country had about having an invisible extra price not listed anywhere.**

I was going to admonish Pearl for not caring that most of the wait staff’s living wage comes from those tips ... untiiiiil I remembered she’s from a culture where she was an unpaid servant, so of course she’d have no concept of that. Then I made myself sad.

**After that, they had a half-hour wait for the next bus to take. They’d grabbed bread rolls from the diner for a snack, and Steven took one of them, crumbled it up and scattered it on the ground. It wasn’t long before a sparrow came to peck at it.**

**“Hello,” Steven said.**

**The sparrow chirped a greeting.**

**“Is it tasty?” he asked.**

Aww cute!

**“ _Good food, good food_ ,” the sparrow said, in between bites. “ _Eat, eat, spring is here, eat._ ”**

WAIT, WHAT THE F***?!

**“Yeah, but you should pace yourself,” said Steven. “Once I ate a whole bibimbap by myself in like, five minutes, and then I threw it all up cuz that was too fast.”**

STEVEN, YOU ARE MISSING ONE OR TWO THINGS WAY MORE INTERESTING ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!

**The bird said nothing, just stuffed its face with all the crumbs, not even leaving any for anybody else who might come by. Then it flew off without another word. Steven sighed.**

**“What is wrong?” Pearl asked.**

Oh nothing, Damien over here just apparently has talking to animals as a power now and I’m not sure if that’s cute or terrifying.

**Steven shook his head. “Nothing. It just wasn’t very polite.”**

**Pearl gave him a wan smile. “A shame. But I suppose that no one could have taught it proper manners yet.”**

**“Yeah,” Steven said, smiling a little. He couldn’t really blame the sparrow. Animals had very different manners than either humans or Gems, and those manners varied from species to species, so it wasn’t their fault if they seemed mean or distant.**

**Still, he couldn’t wait to get home, where all the animals already knew him, and were sure to come and say hello.**

O-KAY. SO UM ... FAKE STEVEN IS A BEASTMASTER. And has a ton of animal friends. Which I’m sure include like ... birds ... squirrels ... bears, maybe.

Just ... he can just tell a bear if someone was really mean to him and the bear can be like “Alright, time to get these hands!” I uh ... I’m very worried about this universe’s me all of a sudden. **  
**

* * *

 

**“Oh Mr. Universe! You look tired!”**

**“Hey Rose.” Greg stifled a yawn.**

Oh hey, Real Steven’s dead mom! Fancy meeting you here. That’s kinda awkward.

Also, we gotta have a talk about that moss you left lying around ...

**“I am pretty beat, yeah.”**

**Rose floated down to stand besides him, her dress fluttering in the wind, face creased in concern. “Why?”**

**“Eh. Just didn’t sleep well last night,” Greg said, rubbing his neck. Which wasn’t a lie, really. But he hadn’t even attempted to sleep last night, not with his son there.**

Can’t blame him. He seems to have a lot on his mind, what with sorta being a spy and having a son with a dozen or so weird superpowers and all.

**“Why don’t you just sleep now?” said another voice from behind him.**

**Greg nearly jumped in shock— but kept himself calm as Amethyst glided down in the form of a purple bird, only to turn into a person as she reached the ground. Her shape-shifting could be more than a little disorientating, and after two years, he still wasn’t completely used to it.**

**“It’s not that easy,” said Greg. “I just can’t sleep whenever I want.”**

“Especially not when I’m hanging out with people who can casually turn into other animals and can literally be anywhere at any time, Amethyst.”

**Amethyst cocked her head. “Why not? I do.”**

**“I’ve got a business to run,” Greg said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the car-wash.**

**“Uggggggghhh. _Boring_ ,” Amethyst moaned.**

Oh it’s anything but boring. One time Lapis almost killed Sour Cream’s step-dad at that place in my universe.

Ah, memories.

**Greg grinned. “Is it? Then I guess I won’t be giving you any more of those used sponges for you to snack on…”**

**“What! No! C’mon, Greg!”**

Eww, those were used to clean urinals!

**Rose and Greg laughed, while he wandered around the far-side of the van and pulled a bucket full of sudden water. He felt around in it for a few moments, then grabbed the sponge, tossing it at Amethyst, who snapped it out of the air with her mouth. She burped, bubbles floating up into the air.**

I don’t have a joke for that because that’s not unusual behavior for Amethyst in any universe. So far she’s the most like how she normally is.

**“But she’s right,” Greg said. “You guys don’t want to hear about my dull ol’ day at the carwash. What’ve you been up to?”**

“And uh, just speak whatever you’re gonna say into the microphone, for no particular purpose ...”

**They didn’t require much encouragement. The Crystal Gems had had a mission this past day, and Rose described in loving detail the place they’d gone to— a spire in the middle of the ocean, in an endless circular waterfall held out by magic, where fish could be see swimming and birds diving through the mist.**

They did this to divebomb the fish that messed around on their turf.

**She’d described the lovely statues, the art on the walls depicting Earth’s life, the elegant fountains, the viewing platform from the top where one could see all the stars in the night sky…**

“The reek of dead fish. All of it so beautiful ...”

**Amethyst, meanwhile, had been much more interested in describing how she’d single handedly defeated like, _twenty_ crystal shrimp, and this thing Garnet had done where she’d punched a column to turn it into a bridge, and the light show when they’d returned the Sea Goddess Statue to its pedestal.**

Amethyst is my favorite in this world and I’m disappointed this reality isn’t just following her.

**Greg listened, entranced. A single story like this could give him ideas for at least five full songs.**

Steven’s dad just writing in a notebook “find words that rhyme with crystal shrimp ...”

**But, of course, it was so much more important than just that.**

**‘ _Keep a watchful eye on the Crystal Gems_.’ That had been one of Blue Diamond’s final wishes.**

“My final request, my dear Greg, is for you to raise our son to inherit his birthright. That he fulfill his full potential ... and also I’m gonna need you to engage in some espionage.

“I hope that last one isn’t a problem.”

**So although it had been hard, when Steven had turned ten years old— big enough that he no longer needed his old man keeping a constant eye— Greg had set out to fulfil it.**

Because ten year olds don’t need parental supervision.

When I was ten, I knocked over a table at a Hardees because they were out of honey mustard for the chicken tenders and that was WITH my parents there. Considering this Steven also has scary Diamond powers, I think ... you know, a constant eye is needed.

And yeah, I know he has Blue Pearl and all, but she seems bad at telling him no.

I’m ... you know, I’m wondering how much of this Steven’s selfishness is a result of him being part-diamond and how much of it is questionable parenting decisions.

And once again, I’m finding myself getting protective for this universe’s Steven despite still not being clear on his morality. This is very confusing for me!

**He’d left behind the home he’d made in Korea, returned to the US, and settled down in Beach City.**

**It had turned some heads— famous rock star Mr. Universe retires to peaceful boardwalk town!**

“What a nice surprise, I’m sure there’s nothing sinister about it.”

**But the people here had been real friendly, accepting him with open arms, and not just because he brought in hundreds of fans every time he played at the annual Beach-a-Palooza. The folks who lived here were a friendly, comfortable sort. Greg had easily settled into day-to-day life. He’d picked up a job at the carwash, more for something to do than any real need for money.**

I mean ... don’t get me wrong, the real Mr. Universe does this too after getting money, but ... I dunno, I can think of at least five things off the top of my head I’d rather do all day than work at a car wash.

Twitch streaming ... baking stuff ... furthering my education (okay, _I_ wouldn’t want to do that, but other people might) ... hang out with my friends ... get thrown out of a Hardees when they run out of honey mustard...

You have options.

**He’d struck up a friendship with some of the locals, like Barb, Harold, and Vidalia.**

**He had never expected to become friends with the Crystal Gems. The plan had been to keep his distance, casually bring them up in conversation with people, figure out what he could about them. Keep his head down, don’t attract their attention.**

Pfft, yeah, ask about the aliens and hope they don’t notice.

“Hey guys, it’s me, Mr. Universe. Nice weather we’re having. Man, how ‘bout that game yesterday? Phew ... hey, so just, random question, any of you guys privy to any secret plans the Crystal Gems are up to? Oh no, not asking for any reason, just ... curious.”

**But the very first time he’d performed on the beach, Rose Quartz had been there. And when the show had ended, she’d come right up to him and _started talking_.**

Rose is like “Wow, that shit was _fire_!”

**Rose Quartz. _The_ traitorous Rose Quartz. Leader of the Rebel Army. The one who had shattered Pink Diamond. **

Did she really do that though?

**The one, Blue had warned him, would shatter their son, if given half a chance.**

**It had taken all of Greg’s willpower not to run away screaming.**

Greg Universe: master spy.

**But he’d somehow managed to keep his cool, and Rose Quartz had seemed to take his stuttering and shaking as _endearing_. He’d given her a free t-shirt and collector CD in the hope that it would satisfy her and get her to go away--**

“Take this and go f*** off, please.”

**\--but it had just intrigued her more. She’d taken a _shining_ to him. **

Redrum. _Redrum_.

**She’d thought his space gimmick was ‘cute’; that his music was ‘wonderful’; and that he himself was ‘adorable’.**

**It had been terrifying, and surprising, and more than a little overwhelming.**

**… It had also been really useful. After all, what better way to keep a watchful eye on the Crystal Gems than inviting their leader to come hang out at the carwash?**

“Hey Rose. Feel like telling me about your secret plans?”

“Sure do! I know how much you like that! Want me to tell you all of that into that microphone again?”

“You know it!”

It’s working. I take it back, Steven’s dad is a master spy.

**“— I think he fell asleep,” Amethyst said, poking him in the thigh.**

**Greg shook his head, pulling himself back into the moment. “Whoops. Sorry. Got lost in thought.”**

**Amethyst rolled her eyes, while Rose Quartz smiled magnanimously at him. “And what were you thinking about?”**

**“Uhhhhh,” Greg said.**

“Certainly not about betrayal. None of that.”

“Oh. Well that’s good to hear.”

**“That I really got to buy a new set of car wash brushes. The old ones are getting pretty ragged.”**

Smooth, Mr. Universe. Smooth.

**The lie felt dull on his tongue, but what could Greg do? However nice and friendly the Crystal Gems acted, they were still the single biggest threat to his family.**

**He could never let himself forget that.**

And that’s it for now. All in all, joking aside, ~~this first chapter~~ this first look at this alternate reality was very interesting. It’s a really intriguing setup. Like ... really right off the bat, it’s hard for me to tell who I’m supposed to like, in a good way. Everyone is very ambiguous and everyone is at least a little flawed.

Despite not knowing if he is morally good yet, I do find myself interested in Fake Steven. He actually gets more interesting the more I think about it. It only just now occured to me thinking back that “oh yeah, he ordered the veggie burger because he actually talks to animals, so he seems to care about them.” Nice subtle detail in just that first little window inward.

Very good first look. I’m actually hoping I see more of this.

* * *

* * *

The room dimmed back to the green color it was before.

“Well, that was a freaking cake walk,” Lars said to the room. “You’re doing a reeeeaaaal good job slowly driving me insane with that one.”

In a puff of green smoke, Emerald’s hologram appeared again, an amusing look of annoyance on her face.

“Laugh while you can,” Emerald said. “That was just a test run. You’ll be a jibbering fool before this is over!”

“One could argue I already am but ... alright ...” Lars said, folding his arms. “So you showing me another one now or ...?”

Emerald’s grin faded.

“Um ... no ...” she said, lowering her voice. “actually the simulation needs some time to charge up.”

“Oh ...” Lars said. “So I guess I just have to wait here ...”

“Yep ...” Emerald said.

“Some torture,” Lars said, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up,” she said.

They both stood awkwardly. Emerald coughed.

Lars sighed. “Sooooo ... you watch anime or ...?”

Emerald’s hologram disappeared in a puff of green smoke.

“ _Fine, be that way_!” Lars shouted into the empty room. “Guess I’ll just ... be alone here for a while ... it’s not like that’ll be any kind of torture really. It’ll be fine ...”

Lars looked into the camera.

“Tune in next time Emerald’s dumb machine charges up and we look at another alternate universe or whatever ... in the meantime I guess I’ll just ... talk to myself for a while ... Later everybody!”


	2. Faded Blue Ch. 2 Riff

“And then he gets buried alive by Kane and when he comes back, he doesn’t have the bike anymore,” Lars said as he continued to act with the crude sock puppets he made in front of the Homeworld camera. He raises his black sock. “And then he’s just the normal Undertaker again. And that concludes today’s program. Tomorrow, we’ll go over about how Bret Hart got totally screwed over in Montreal--”

There was a poof of green smoke as Emerald appeared nearby.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” she shouted.

“Making educational programming,” Lars said, pulling the socks from his hands.

Emerald raised her eyebrow, but shook her head.

“Well, I don’t keep you here to play games! It’s time for the next round of your torture! Time to view more of the Faded Blue universe.”

Lars couldn’t help but smile.

“Okay, cool,” Lars said. “I actually enjoyed that last time.”

Emerald rolled her eyes.

“Your tricks won’t work on me,” Emerald said. “You joke, but I know you’re nervous.” She grinned, showing her fangs. “You’re likely worried by now that your crew will never find you.”

“Oh no, no they will,” Lars said with a nod. “I have total faith in them. Honestly your uh ... ‘torture--’” Lars punctuated the last word with finger quotes. “--helps pass the time. So thanks for that.”

Emerald shook her head.

“Your faith must not have much value if you place it in a bunch of Off-Colors!” she shouted. “They’re nothing more than defects unable to perform any task effectively. Not the least of which is flying my ship.”

“Uh ... well, you know, by this point I think we’ve flown that ship more than you have, soooooo shouldn’t we really be calling it _my_ ship?”

Emerald shot Lars a death glare. Lars grinned so wide it hurt.

The room began to warp and shift.

“I truly hope this next session ends up driving you insane,” Emerald said as she waved her hand and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“Nice seeing you too, Emerald,” he shouted as he put his socks back on his feet and turned to the camera.

* * *

* * *

PREVIOUSLY, ON FADED BLUE ...

Steven is half-Blue Diamond and spends his days hanging out with Blue Pearl and using his dark powers to influence beasts through diplomacy. Meanwhile, Greg spies on the Crystal Gems and Rose in particular because Blue Diamond saddled him with an espionage mission on her deathbed. Despite Greg not exactly being James Bond Jr., he’s doing a fairly decent job so far, primarily since the Crystal Gems seem to constantly volunteer valuable information to anyone human who will listen.

So now, let’s check out chapter two.

**[FADED BLUE CHAPTER 2: RUINS](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10742679/chapters/24005310) **

**Steven stirred in his sleep, the morning light peeking through his eyelids. He smacked his lips together, his dry and parched mouth tasting uncomfortable. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and saw that Pearl was laying out a bowl and spoon on the table.**

The best part of wakin’ up ... is treason in your cup.

**She must have heard him getting up, as she turned to look at him. She gave a quick bow. “Good morning, my Steven.”**

**“Morning, Pearl. What’s for breakfast?”**

**“Cereal this morning. If that is alright.”**

**“Yeah, that’s fine,” Steven yawned as he walked over to the table and took his seat. The cereal was his favorite, the kind that crisped and popped when they got put in milk.**

Shatter-Os cereal: they snap, crackle, and poof!

**And Pearl had even gone the extra step of putting banana slices into it. Steven smiled as he took his first bite. Pearl was always going the extra step.**

When she took the twelve step program, she took the extra step of starting a different addiction in its place. She overachieves like that.

**“So what’s on the schedule for today, Pearl?”**

“Remember that fun place called the social service office, Steven?”

**“Well, after you finish eating and changing, I thought we would continue our Geography lesson on China,” Pearl said. “And then you may pick which place we learn about next.”**

**Over Steven’s bed hung a map of the Earth, spotted all over with pins. Steven’s home of Korea was marked with a blue pin, as was Dad’s new home of Beach City. Everywhere else they’d studied so far had a pink pin.**

Uh .... this um ... this really sounds like it’s a map for taking over the world. Like... especially since he has “his territory” marked...

Can’t we go back to Steven playing word games, I was more comfortable with that ...

**He studied the empty space of his map while he ate, considering.**

**“Ooh! Taiwan!” Steven said with a mouthful of cereal and milk. “When we went there, it was so pretty and awesome.”**

“It will be a valuable addition to the Empire ...”

**“Alright, Steven,” Pearl said. “I will prepare the lesson when we finish our current subject.”**

**“What’s after lunch?”**

**“Then will be your Algebra lesson.”**

Augh.

**“ _Augh_ ,” Steven moaned. **

Hey, don’t steal my line.

**“But Algebra’s boring. It’s just formulas and numbers. Can’t we skip to Trigonometry already?”**

“Can’t we just skip to trig” said no one ever.

**“Formulas and numbers are important.”**

**“I guess,” Steven said. He knew they were useful. You needed to know numbers so you had enough money to buy food and stuff. People used numbers to build inventions like cars and spaceships, to discover new things, to explore the universe.**

To count cards.

**It was absolutely necessary.**

Well, that was an odd commercial for math there.

**But it wasn’t really interesting.**

A very odd _conflicted_ commercial for math.

**Steven was really glad he wasn’t the son of a Peridot or a Morganite or something, because that would have been so _dull_.**

Ha, I know this isn’t supposed to be the takeaway from this, but somewhere there’s gotta be a universe where Peridot was Steven’s mom and I’m dying to know what that Steven is like.

**“You needn’t fret, my Steven,” Pearl said. “You are very gifted with your Algebra lessons. With all your lessons, truly.”**

“Truly, Steven. There’s no need to send me to the cornfield!”

**“ _I know,_ ” Steven sighed, swirling the remnants of his cereal in its bowl. “It’s just so boring. I like learning about different places, and space stuff, and stuff.”**

I’m agreeing a lot with Little Napoleon here and that makes me nervous.

**The corners of Pearls mouth tightened, before she nodded at him. “I suppose we can push your Algebra lesson until tomorrow.”**

**Steven leapt from his chair. “Yes! Thanks, Pearl!”**

Wait, what, no. I don’t like math either but you can’t just NOT take math just because you don’t feel like it, that’s--

_This universe is making me feel more responsible and I don’t like it!_

**“But we _will_ do it tomorrow.”**

**“I know, I know,” Steven said. “So what are we going to do instead?”**

**“Hm. Well, I suppose we could do your Astronomy lesson today.”**

“Your mother wrote the textbook we will use.”

Hands him a copy of “Earth and Other Shitty Planets That Kill My Friends.”

**Steven’s eyes widened in elation at the suggestion. “However… I may perhaps have something else in mind.”**

**“Really? What is it?” Steven asked, barely able to contain his excitement.**

**“Your father mentioned that, the other day, the Crystal Gems explored the Lunar Sea Spire,” Pearl said.**

**Steven’s brow crinkled. “The Crystal Gems? What were they doing there?”**

“ _Cocaine_!”

**“I cannot say, beyond destroying more monsters,” Pearl answered. “Greg did not specify.”**

“I'm disappointed this musician is not excelling at his spymaster role.”

**“Then we have to go!” Steven declared. “If the rebels are planning something there, then we need to stop them!”**

**“Ah, my Steven—”**

**“No way, Pearl!” Steven interrupted. “Mom said that one day I’d be able to stop the rebels.”**

**“She did,” Pearl conceded. “But only when you have mastered your powers. Which you have not.”**

**Steven crossed his arms, sulking, “I’ve gotten better with them…”**

“I can make the moon fall and everything.”

“Yes, but it still takes you three days to do that. You must improve.”

**“Yes. But to try and take on a Crystal Gem now… That is beyond your skill level, I’m afraid.”**

“You need more solo XP.”

**Steven continued sulking, hunching his head into his shoulders and gazing intently at the ground. “But it’s not fair…”**

“You can't tell me what to do. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM”

**“Perhaps. However, if we bring the Scanner and do a thorough sweep of the Spire, then I believe it should be safe for us.”**

I know what she means, but I like to imagine her literally just holding up a multifunction printer with the scanner lid open.

**“Yeah! And maybe we can figure out why the Crystal Gems were there,” Steven said. He grabbed his bowl of mostly milk and drank it. He laid the bowl back on the table. “Okay, Pearl! Let’s go!”**

**“First you need to get dressed.**

The above events take on a more hilarious context when you imagine Steven saying all the above while wearing feetie pajamas or something.

“We must get these rebels. Now I must use the bathroom. I’ll just unbutton the back ...”

**Then your Geography lesson. Then lunch, then afternoon break. _Then_ we’ll go,” Pearl said.**

**Steven sighed, but smiled at his caretaker. “Right. Okay, Pearl.” He jogged to the dresser next to his bed and pulled out clothes to dress himself. He picked out one of his favorite shirts (black with a yellow star in the center)--**

I like this shirt because it reminds me the Black Star Dragon Balls from the best anime ever, Dragon Ball GT. Much better than that non-canon anime Super they’re making now.

**\--a pair of jeans, socks, and shoes. As he dressed and got ready, Steven heard Pearl behind him, placing the bowl and spoon in the wash basin for later, as well as readying a textbook and several sheets of paper.**

**Now out of his sleep clothes and dressed properly, there was only one last thing. Laying in the dresser was his blue hoodie. He grabbed it, taking a moment to press it against his face and feel the soft cotton against his skin.**

“Wow, the asbestos in this really makes it a lot softer.”

**Steven wore his hoodie most days. It had been a gift from Dad and Pearl, just before they moved out of the apartment and Dad went to Beach City and Steven and Pearl moved to the Palanquin.**

WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE. There’s a period of time where Blue Pearl, Steven, and Greg all shared the same apartment and we don’t get to see that?! This reality viewing machine isn’t fair. I wanna see that stuff.

They’re late on rent one month and Blue Pearl drives the Palanquin into the landlord’s place or something ...

**And while Steven did love living on the mountain in the Palanquin, when he was told two years ago that his father would be moving far away without him, it had upset Steven more than a little. So the night before his departure, Dad and Pearl gave Steven the hoodie. They said that when he wore it, especially with the hood up, he looked just like his mother.**

Or at least like a thumbnail of her.

**So all he would have to do is wear the hoodie and he could be big and brave like her.**

Brave is not exactly the first word that starts with a B that comes to mind when I think of the Diamonds.

**He slipped the hoodie over his head, feeling instantly comforted by the snug pressure around his face. He dreaded the rising temperatures of the coming summer, when continuing to wear the jacket would become hugely uncomfortable, if not impossible.**

“Curse you, climate change!”

**“Alright, Pearl. I’m ready,” Steven said as he turned around. However he saw that Pearl was still flipping through the Geography textbook.**

**“Forgive me, my Steven,” she said, looking up from the book. “But our trip to Beach City left me a little… unprepared for your lesson today.” She stood up straight, only to bow at him. “I’ll need a little more time before I am ready.”**

**“Okay, Pearl,” Steven said. “I’m gonna wait outside until you’re ready.”**

**“Very well. But do not wander far. I will be done shortly.”**

**“I won’t,” Steven assured as he walked past her and the table. “I just wanna see if maybe Nari is out and about. Ooh, or Tim! Maybe he finally found that stream he was looking for!”**

He did. It was on Twitch.

**Steven pushed past the Palanquin’s curtain and stepped into the brisk mountain air.**

Riiiiicolaaaaaa

**He inhaled deeply and took in the still rising sun in front of him. Dad had often said that he and Mom would lay on the mountain and watch the sunrise. Dad would play a song on the guitar and Mom would sing.**

“If I tell you that I love you

Don’t test my love

Accept my love

Don’t test my love

Cause maybe I don’t love you all that muuuuch”

**They'd just lay there together and talk and enjoy each other’s company.**

**Just thinking about it made Steven’s cheeks shine bright red.**

Yeahhhhh ... “just talk”, sure ...

**He began walking, nowhere in particular in mind, and whistled, high and sharp. He tried to call Nari, or to any bird who might know where she was… But he got no answers. Either no one knew or no one was around.**

**He continued going forward, past several hills of varying size, down slopes and up slopes, all while whistling for his friend. But still he received no response…**

“Huh. Guess she’s dead. Oh well!”

**Steven began to mentally go over spring food sources and the migrating seasons for the birds, when… he saw a tree.**

**It both was and wasn’t an ordinary tree.**

It’s a Giving Tree. _Let’s rob it!_

**It was ordinary in the sense that it did only what most trees did, convert carbon dioxide into oxygen and look rather lovely. It was unordinary, however in the sense of what it marked, what laid after it.**

**Steven couldn’t see _it_ , but he knew it was there, just past the tree and behind the hill, draped in foliage and painted in pink, _her_ Palanquin.**

**He could begin to hear those familiar voices echoing in his mind:**

**_“What are you doing here? I sent you off this planet.”_ **

**_“I know. But I still have a duty here.”_ **

Honestly, based on what real Steven’s told me about his Pink Diamond vision, I think the conversation was more like this.

“WHY DO YOU KEEP WRECKING MY STUFF? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GOOOO AWAYYYY?”

“My Diamond, I promise that after the next couple seconds, that’ll be the least of your worries.”

**Steven clamped his eyes shut and put his hands over his ears, though to no avail. “You’re not real. This isn’t happening now. It’s not.”**

**He heard the metallic edge of a sword being drawn from its scabbard, a cry, rapid running footsteps and—**

And what?! AND WHAT?! No seriously, after that trial, that one Zircon has me half expecting there was a second shatterer behind the Grassy Knoll.

**“No!” Steven yelled as he stepped backwards. His voice echoed around him. And then, silence. Nothing but the gentle breeze and the rustling of the leaves in the tree.**

“The hills are aliiiiiive...”

**He opened his eyes and he was still on the mountain, still in today, the tree in front of him. With one last look, Steven turned and started back towards the Palanquin, first at a trot, then a jog, and finally a run.**

**He returned to the Palanquin, rushing past the curtain and nearly running into Pearl.**

**“Ah, my Steven. I was just about to call you.” She paused and looked at him, tilting her head at him. “Are you alright?”**

**“Y-yeah. I’m fine, Pearl,” Steven responded, trying to catch his breath**

“I just witnessed a murder. How are you?”

**For a moment, it looked like Pearl was going to ask more questions, but instead she merely nodded at him and said, “Very well, my Steven. Come. Let’s go to the study corner and begin your lesson.”**

**“Alright, Pearl.” Steven followed her to the pillowed location in the far corner of the Palanquin, doing his best to put the vision he’d had out of his mind and to focus on his upcoming lesson.**

_Open up about your feeeelings._

Gosh, this is too much like Steven now, jeez ...

* * *

 

**It was a bit of a walk from the Palanquin to the nearest warp pad, and a tricky one too, over uneven ground, through thick brambles, and at one point, dangerously close to the edge of a steep slope. When he’d been little, Pearl had always been super scared at that part, and insisted she carry him, but now he was big enough to do it all on his own.**

“Steven, remember, the important thing is to not look down. It’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s just a fatal drop.”

“THANKS PEARL. REALLY HELPFUL.”

**Once Steven had asked why the warp pad was so far away, since it was so inconvenient. Pearl had explained it wasn’t meant to be so isolated:, it’d had been intended to be in the centre foyer of a beautiful art gallery that had never gotten built.**

Pink Diamond being like “And I want a mural of me here ... and a nice statue here ...”

Her Pearl says “We could make it actual size.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“Nothing.”

**But it was also for safety, she’d said. It made sure none of their enemies could easily find them.**

**And the warp pad was really hard to find. Steven could, because he’d been to the place so many, many times, but it was really well hidden behind a bunch of bushes. Mom and Dad had planted them for that exact purpose, and they were super hard to get through unless you knew _just_ the right angle. **

You know what else is useful for keeping people away from the Warp Pad instead of bushes?

Like ... having it be in a structure with a door that locks.

That might help.

**He could fit in really well, but Pearl could never get through without getting at least a few leaves or twigs stuck in her hair. Steven giggled while he helped her take them out.**

**“Thank you, my Steven,” she said, leading him up to the warp pad and activating it.**

**Warping was super fun; the chance to just float and spin around was the most wonderful feeling in the galaxy.**

“Yes, the existential dread of wondering if my molecules breaking down in warp is actually killing me and just making an identical duplicate somewhere else is the best feeling in the world.”

**It was over too quickly, as always, and Steven nearly fell on his face. But for once, he didn’t really mind. They had arrived at what had the most _beautiful_ of places.**

**They were standing on a rocky-outcropping near the bottom of an enormous, circular waterfall. Whereas in Korea the sky had been grey with overcast morning light, here it was the most brilliant of blue, the sunlight catching the endless stream of water and sending dazzling rainbows into the air. At the centre of a circle was a single, sheer tower, as perfect and pristine as if it had been built yesterday.**

Chernobyl: We’ve made a few changes.

**“ _Wow_ ,” Steven said, for lack of anything else to say.**

**“Indeed,” agreed Pearl.**

**With a twirl of her hands and a flare of light from the gemstone on her chest, Pearl withdrew a small sphere. It was a Scanner, a highly advanced piece of technology for assessing nearby areas for threats-- but Steven thought it kinda looked like a floating pink eye.**

Take it to a doctor, you jerks! Pink eye is annoying as hell!

**The thing buzzed off to explore,**

... while excreting an irritating discharge and feeling really itchy ...

**\--and the two of them waited until it returned a few minutes later, beeping the all clear.**

“Mhm, alright, no free Wi-Fi here. Let’s move ahead.”

**Putting the Scanner away, Pearl nodded for Steven to go ahead.**

**There was a bridge leading over the water to the Spire, one without any walls or railings.**

“My Diamond, several Gems have fallen into the ocean already. Perhaps we should put up some rails.”

“I HAVEN’T THE TIME TO DEAL WITH SUCH TRIVIALITIES AS WORKERS’ LIVES! I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHY SO MANY GEMS ARE DESERTING ME AND JOINING THAT ROSE QUARTZ!”

“Yeah, who could imagine why anyone would do that?”

“I KNOW, RIGHT?!”

**Pearl warned him to be careful, but Steven couldn’t resist. He stuck his hand out—**

**— and immediately felt it being sucked down.**

**He jumped back, heart pounding. He could’ve been pulled in!**

**“Be careful,” Pearl repeated, voice mild as ever. Steven could still feel the quiet disapproval radiating from her, and drooped.**

“You almost died. And I don’t care for that, Steven.”

**Still! It was cool! There had to be some kind of gravity sink at the bottom. Maybe to maintain the waterfall? But no, ordinary gravity would work just fine for that, so why would they have built something extra…?**

**Ah! It was a moat! A gravity moat! To keep enemies away!**

“This ought to keep away the ADT salesmen.”

**_So cool_ ** **.**

Fake Steven goes back and forth between being vaguely evil to being EXACTLY like the Real Steven so much I have to remind myself this is just a simulation and I can’t actually yell at this Steven like I can the real one!

**They came to the Spire itself, and started up the long spiralling stairwell towards its top. It was a long walk, long even for Steven, who was used to hiking through the mountains, but they took lots of stops to look at stuff. There were all sorts of murals and alcoves and fountains and stuff.**

“Steven, these are murals commissioned by the Diamonds.”

“What’s that one called?”

“That one’s called ‘Rose Quartz Ain’t Shit’. And this one’s called ‘There Is No Rose Quartz And If There Was She’d Be Dumb.’ And this one is called ‘Rose Quartz, You Bitch, I’ll Fight You.’ Your mother liked that one.”

**Plus, there were gulls that flew in and out of the mist, and Steven paused again and again to squawk ‘ _hi_ ’s at them, and find out what kind of things they ate and stuff. They had to be the most super strongest birds ever, to be able to fly through the gravity field. Steven told them that, and they were all very flattered.**

“Yes, remember that compliment when I need you during the war ...”

**Steven liked history books quite a bit— liked to snuggle up under his covers with them, liked the feeling of paper beneath his fingers, liked it when Pearl would read aloud in her soft, soothing voice— but this was so much better. Getting out into the world, seeing where history had happened. Here he could _feel_ the weight of his mother’s Empire, the things it stood for. **

Like, say, tyranny and oppression.

**This was his legacy. Gems, stretching across the universe--**

With an aggressive military campaign ...

**\--building beautiful places like this--**

With unpaid slave labor ...

**\--sharing their greatness with the many worlds…**

By draining them of their resources at the expense of indigenous life!

You know, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the details of how Homeworld actually works have been kinda glossed over when Pearl explained it to Steven.

**About half-way up the spire, they came across a circular room with a statue in the centre. Steven stopped to consider it. It was very pretty, carved out of a smooth, blue rock that shimmered faintly in the light, but… “Why does it have four arms?”**

**“It is a hybrid fusion.”**

“Very fuel efficient.”

**Steven took a step back, stomach roiling with sudden nausea. Why would they have art of something like _that_ here?**

...

**Pearl laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Even things which are vile or unpleasant deserve depiction,” she said. “Perhaps even more so than those things which are beautiful and pleasing.”**

Uhhh ...

**It was a strange thought to consider, and Steven’s brow furrowed as he tried to understand. “You mean like… you need to show people what things are bad, so they’ll know not to do it?”**

...

**Pearl nodded.**

**Steven relaxed, although he still regarded the statue with discomfort. This was firmer ground. He recalled a quote from one of his human history textbooks, and recited, “‘ _Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it._ ”**

... I’m exercising a lot of restraint not just going off on a stream of cursing right now.

In a way, it’s not this Steven’s fault. He is being taught the wrong thing, which is depressing, which I’m sure is the point. It’s just ... sad. It drives home the fact that like ... from birth, once he started being taught the kind of, uh, “values” Blue Diamond had, he never had a chance to be fully innocent. He had to have this kind of bullshit attached. And the fact that Pearl feels like she has to reinforce it makes it even worse.

Fuck Blue Diamond, fuck her whole faction, and fuck this whole timeline for taking a kid that sweet and screwing him up.

... I need a break.

* * *

* * *

Lars turned away from the camera and rubbed his temple. He said nothing.

A moment later, the room shifted to its plain green form. The light from the camera dimmed. Lars didn’t even have time to react before Emerald appeared in a puff of smoke.

Lars wouldn’t even turn his head to look at her. She got in front of him, scowling.

“Look, perhaps you’re new to this whole thing, but _you don’t get breaks during torture_!” Emerald said through gritted teeth. “You’re embarrassing me in front of the broadcast audience!”

Lars didn’t say anything.

Emerald’s expression softened to one of confusion.

“What? No comeback?” Emerald said, more perplexed than angry.

No response.

Emerald threw her hands up.

“What are you getting so worked up about?” Emerald said. “So they talked about fusions being bad? So what? It’s not like all the things they said aren’t _true_.”

Lars glared up at her.

“Shut up,” Lars growled. “Two of my crew are fusions and they’re better Gems than half your stupid planet. And it's that kind of attitude that is the reason they had to live in a cave most of their lives!”

Emerald blinked.

“Well ... that’s just ...” For a moment, Emerald seemed like she didn’t know what to say. Eventually she shook her head. “Well, I mean, _so_?! They’re just Off-Colors. That’s just the way it is!”

Lars grimaced and said, “Go to hell.”

Emerald flinched despite probably not knowing what that meant. After a moment, she clenched her fists.

“Ugh! I don’t get you at all!” Emerald paused. “You’ve got five minutes to sulk in .... whatever THIS state is before I turn the machine back on.”

Lars raised an eyebrow. Before he could ask what prompted that bizarre concession, Emerald disappeared.

Despite only apparently being given five minutes, it seemed closer to fifteen minutes before the machine turned back on.

Lars seriously considered not saying anything ... but Emerald reminding him that this was being broadcast to other Gems made him reconsider.

At least across the galaxy, everyone would hear Lars’s feelings about what Fake Steven had said. It might not do any good, but knowing there were likely a bunch of bad Gems hating what he was saying actually gave him strength, in a weird way.

Sometimes it paid to still be a little bit of a jerk.

* * *

* * *

Alright ... guess we’re back to this again now ...

**Again, Pearl nodded.**

**They stood there for a few moments longer, and then the two of them continued up the stairs.**

**By the time they arrived at the very top of the spire, Steven was huffing and puffing, and his legs ached, but it was worth it.**

“Ugh. Oof. Uff. Why ... couldn’t ... I be tall ... like mom? She could get here in like three steps.”

**The view was amazing. Water seemed to stretch on forever, in every direction. He ran from side to side, unable to contain himself.**

**Pearl simply stood in the spire’s centre, twirling slowly as she took it all in. “I wish you could have seen how it used to be,” she said, voice wistful. “It was an oasis for Gems on Earth. Fine cuts from all the Courts would come— to share our stories, to sing our songs, to show their dedication to our Diamonds—”**

“To throw Crystal Shrimp at prisoners for the Diamond’s amusement, good wholesome fun.”

**To illustrate, the gemstone at Pearl’s breast grew bright, and from it bloomed a hologram. It superimposed itself in front of the world, a depiction of the same place, but how it had been thousands of years ago, Gems mingling among the fountains and art.**

“I think this mural is great. Okay, have I acted cultured enough for us to make out yet?”

“Oh my, no.”

“Oh ...”

**Steven stared at it, awestruck. And as he stared, the world _shifted—_**

**It was as though the projection had filled with colour and spread out to fill the entire world, encompassing him. Pearl had vanished, but there were so many other Gems instead, even other Pearls.**

“Wow, these Pearls are WAY cooler than Pearl.”

Blue Pearl just standing there hearing all this, looking sad.

**He could see each of them in full detail: the vibrant colour of their clothes, their skin, their hair. He could hear them, too. Murmurs and laughter and a distant song…**

[“I am tripping so many balls right now!”](https://youtu.be/8bc-YwmdVC0?t=437)

**Just as quickly as it came, it faded, and Steven was back in the present, staring at Pearl’s pale holographic imitation. But his smile didn’t fade.**

**“Pearl!” he cried. “I saw it, Pearl! So _clearly_!”**

“THE RAIN IS GONE! I CAN SEE ALL OBSTACLES IN MY WAAAAAAY!”

**She placed a gentle hand on his head. “Excellent work, my Steven. Your Past Visions are coming along well.”**

Big deal, one of my crewmates _only_ sees in past vision and she’s way more adorable too.

**Her hologram snapped off and the picture vanished, leaving the Spire empty once more.**

**Steven felt an an ache of emptiness in his chest too.**

**“It was so beautiful. And now there’s no one left to see it. It isn’t right.” He asked, “Why?”**

“Well, I suppose I could cut my bangs to get a better look--”

“I meant no one aside from us, Pearl.”

“... oh ...”

**“The War,” Pearl said, simply.**

**Steven shook his head. “Yeah, I know. But… why did there have to be a war? Why did the Crystal Gems have to ruin all of it?”**

**Pearl shook her head. She had no answers that could explain the rebels’ treachery.**

You know, fake Steven, even if you’ve been sheltered, you should be able to at least GUESS why a fusion and a Pearl might want to start a war with Homeworld off the top of your head.

**They stood their for a while, no sound but the roar of the waterfalls and the distant shrieks of gulls, desolate and abandoned.**

**Eventually, Pearl broke the silence. “We should return home, my Steven.”**

**“No.”**

**“Pardon?”**

**“No,” Steven repeated. “I don’t want to. If we leave, the Spire’ll be lonely.”**

“It’s got feelings y’know.”

**Pearl clasped her hands close to her chest. “The Spire is a building. It cannot be lonely.”**

“Yes it can, it told me so!”

“Steven, _this is why we tell you to take your pills_!”

**The boy jutted out his chin. “Yes, it can.”**

**“My Steven.” There was the slightest undercurrent of annoyance to Pearl’s voice. “You are not thinking sensibly. The Lunar Sea Spire will feel the same regardless if you are here or not. You, however, will get hungry.”**

**Steven pulled the hood tighter around his head and stood straighter in an attempt to look more Diamondly.**

I was gonna say being like five-foot-nothing kinda kills that image, but considering what we know about Pink, nevermind I guess ...

**“We have food.”**

**“Snacks,” said Pearl. “If we return to the Palanquin I can prepare you a _proper_ meal—”**

**“I don’t want a proper meal, I wanna stay!”**

“YOU CANNOT LIVE OFF OF LUNCHABLES, STEVEN. THERE’S NO NUTRITION IN THEM!”

“I can if I want to! Shut up!”

**“I highly recommend that we—”**

**“I WANT TO _STAY_!” Steven said, this time with such force that he felt lightning crackle across his skin, saw it sparking out of the corners of his eyes.**

WHAT THE FUCK?!

**Pearl stepped backwards.**

**She didn’t like the lightning; it hurt her and it scared her, and the knowledge of that was enough to make Steven calm down a bit. The blue energy that encased his body faded slightly. But he was not going to budge.**

**“We’re staying,” he ordered.**

**Pearl bowed her head. “As you wish, my Steven.”**

OH GREAT! So now the Steven of this universe is even more of a spoiled brat than I thought. AND he’s taking advantage of triggering some sort of PTSD in Pearl because he didn’t feel like going home.

OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!

Phew ... this chapter was ... very interesting and well-executed, but at times slightly uncomfortable. Seeing Fake Steven outright be a jerk about some stuff is hard to take in, at times. It definitely makes me want to see more because I hope he gets better ... but oh boy, at least in the moment, it also makes me want to see Pearl deck him or something.

It is definitely more serious than the first chapter, which hinted at a lot of serious stuff but was a little more lighthearted than what we see here.. I’m intrigued to see where this goes but ... yeah ... seeing Steven talk down about fusion is exhausting. But if it becomes my job to talk smack about all the bullcrap Fake Steven is being taught, so be it.

* * *

* * *

The room faded back to normal as Lars stared into the camera.

“Alright, bring on the next one!” Lars shouted. He looked around the room. “Come on, Emerald, I know you can hear this! If the machine has to recharge first, at least have the decency to come out hear and taunt me!”

But Emerald didn’t come.

“Ohhhh come on, don’t tell me you’re a chicken now!” Lars shouted. “Shouldn’t you be gloating? After all, you did what you wanted. You pissed me off! So, come on!”

But nobody came.

“ _Coward!_ ” He kicked the camera, toppling it to one side. Without even bothering to pick it up, he got right in the lense of the camera.

“Tune in next time for more of this, I guess,” Lars said. “We’ll tune into more educational programming in a few minutes. Until then though, I need some privacy.”

Lars unbuckled his cape and threw it over the camera. He expected _that_ gesture to at least cause Emerald to appear, if nothing else did ...

But she didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: We take a break from Faded Blue for a bit for our first one-shot.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all for now. The second chapter of the Faded Blue riff will be up soon. Let me know if you guys like this since I really enjoy doing this, but I wanna know what you guys think.
> 
> Once again, I wanna thank [SwordtheGuy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy), [Airamcg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/pseuds/airamcg), and [CompletelyDifferent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/pseuds/CompletelyDifferent) for being very on-board with this and allowing me to do this.
> 
> Till next time everybody.


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